Humorous Answering Machine Messages

 

We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Mastercard, VISA, or American Express account number and we'll get back to you, pending credit approval.

Good day, Jim. Your contact, name, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good luck, Jim!

With some church music playing in the background. Good day, My Child. You have reached "Dial A Confession". At the tone, if you will leave your name, number and a short confession, I will get back to you with your penance. Thank you and may God go with you.

This is the Literacy Self-Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! I can't come to the phone right now because I'm spending the week in my beautiful summer home on the French Riviera...

Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your phone calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Hello. I'm not here right now. I'm out getting a new parakeet. Leave a message after the beep. I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, a word of advice - never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

I can't come to the phone now so if.... Well, actually I CAN come to the phone NOW. I mean - I'm at the phone NOW recording this message, but I'm doing it NOW while you're listening to it later except for you it's NOW. I mean - wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

You have reached the city, state Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. Have a nice day.

This is name. We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking) Great! What a mess! I'll have to get back to you later.

Hi. This is name. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

Uh ... Hello? Hi, I'm a burglar and I was about to steal this answering machine. If you'll give me your name and number, I'll ... uh, I'll post it on the fridge. Uh ... by the way, where did you say you live?

Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave'um message after smoke signal and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

Hello. Lindsey's not home now -- this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone so just leave a message and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shumbody got home. Now shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Hi. This is name. We can't come to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But leave a message anyway and someone is sure to get it eventually.

I can't come to the phone now so if.... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey, sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time. Yes indeed. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings. I might even play my beep for you.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Ensign Chekov: Oh, sair....It was Khan! He made us say things... do things... he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!

I have been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I get away. Read all about it in the National Enquirer.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here. Can you hold, please? - - Captain, there's a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven. Do you want it on the screen?

G'Day, Mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

I'm home right now. I'm just screening my calls. Just start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Hi. You have reached name. Please leave your name, number and a message and if we like it, we will return your call.

Hi. This is name. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording, I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.

Hello. This is name. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I just came back from Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter. If I were to pick up the phone, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. Leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

Hi. The answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

How do I leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1, 2, 3. I wonder what happens if I press this....

This is name. Talk.